Is This Fact Of a Man?

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

Thought 3

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

This is the Best !!!

Thought 4

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including the priest erupted in laughter .......... all except the poor Groom!!

Information about product and business opportunity with Alpha Lipid- visit http://www.alphalipidasia.com

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If You Love Someone..

THE ORIGINAL QUOTE

If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.....

THE NEW VERSIONS R.....

Pessimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was


Optimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.

Patient:

If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:

If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ....

C++ Programmer:

if(you-love( m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom

Biologist :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.

Statisticians :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable
anyway.

Schwarzenegger' s fans:

If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Ove r possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set her free.

MBA :

If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist :

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist :

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert :

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance expert :

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist :

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market

Information about product and business opportunity with Alpha Lipid- visit http://www.alphalipidasia.com

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Why Singaporean Girls CAN'T WIN MISS UNIVERSE TITLE

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has
always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were oftertiary level
education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not
too many years ago.

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss
USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animalstarting
with the letter 'L'
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls- Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with
the letter 'L'
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!
(durian)

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to
determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified; and they decided
that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems With the letter 'L',
they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the
letter 'L'
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN JIAO!!

The Judges fainted..!!!

Information about product and business opportunity with Alpha Lipid- visit http://www.alphalipidasia.com

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CEO Wannabe

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

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First Monthly Bleeding

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

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Kissing Payment Method

A YOUNG BEAUTIFUL GIRL GOES SHOPPING....

GIRL : HOW MUCH FOR THAT DRESS ?

NAUGHTY SHOPKEEPER : 5 KISSES ONLY!

GIRL : AND THAT DRESS?

NAUGHTY SHOPKEEPER :10 KISSES ONLY!

GIRL : PACK THAT ONE

SHOPKEEPER [EXCITEDLY]: AND THE BILL PAYMENT..?

GIRL : GRANDMA WILL PAY!!!!!!!!! !!!

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Jokes For You

1. An old man was walking along the road. A car stopped near him and a got out of it. He asked the old man,
"Sir, shall I give you a lift?"
The old man replied,
"No need I live on the ground floor"

2. Two pupils were fighting outside the examination hall. The teacher came out and said:
Teacher : Why r u fighting?
Student : Teacher, he left his answer sheet blank
Teacher : Why should that bother you?
Student : I too left my answer sheet blank
Teacher : So…?
Student : The teacher will think that we have copied from each other.

3. Teacher : Why are you late?
Student : Because there was a sign which tells "School ahead, go slow".

4. A : Why have you kept the newspaper in the fridge?
B : Because it is full of HOT NEWS.

5. Professor : What three words are the most used by college students?
Student : I don't know.
Professor : Absolutely correct.

7. Teacher : "I killed a person", convert this sentence into future tense.
Student : The future tense "you will go to jail".

8. Mother : Edya, tell me why does a bear have it's body covered with hair?
Daughter : Actually Mom, there is no barber in the forest.

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A Smart Love Letter

There's a couple and they love each other deeply however, the girl's father does not like the boy and want them stop their relationship........... and so......the boy wrote this letter to the girl.....he knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter...

1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows everyday. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to take care for me and help me
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye ! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."

So bad !! However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES"..... meaning-only to read 1,3,5,7,9,11,13.....etc (odd number)

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Can You Pronounce It?

Can u pronounce good english:- read along

woof,roof, loof, shoof, shoof, woof, loof, roof,
poof, woof woof, hoof, woof, roof, shoof.

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Test results: U are a good dog. Now please stop barking!

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How To Make A Woman Happy?

It's really not a difficult after all...

To make a woman happy a man only needs to be :

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14 . a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

• birthdays
• anniversaries
• arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1 . Leave him in peace

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Just For Laughs

1.School Girl and Her Teacher:

• School Girl: I do not want to go to the sex education class.
• Teacher: Why not?
• School Girl: because someone told me the final exam would be oral

2.Man In Ladies Toilet:

Man walked into ladies toilet. Lady who was inside shouted 'THIS IS EXCLUSIVELY FOR WOMEN'. The man, unzipping his pants said, 'THIS TOO'!

3.Man Married Police Traffic Officer:

A man married a Lady Traffic Police officer. Friend, How was your first night? Man, She charged Rs.100 from me for overspeeding, rs.200 for wrong side entry, rs.500 for no helmet.

4.90's Loves 85's

A 90 yrs old man start making love with his 85 yrs old wife and he start sucking her breast,but then after 10 minutes, he died...
autopsy reported that the cause of death is ...........

???????????

???????????

???????????

???????????

???????????

expired milk!!!

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21st Century-We Are Becoming Lesser By The Day

1. Our communication - Wireless
2. Our telephone - Cordless
3. Our cooking - Fireless
4. Our youth - Jobless
5. Our food - Fatless
6. Our labour - Effortless
7. Our conduct - Worthless
8. Our relation - Loveless
9. Our attitude - Careless
10. Our feelings - Heartless
11. Our politics - Shameless
12. Our education - Valueless
13. Our dress - Topless
14. Our follies - Countless
15. Our arguments - Baseless
16. Our Job - Thankless
17. Our Boss - Brainless
18. Our Salary - Very less
19. Our E-mails - Useless

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